


I'll Cut My Hair, To Make You Stare

by ultra_violett



Series: Normal [1]
Category: The Goldfinch (2019), The Goldfinch - Donna Tartt
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Canon Compliant, Child Abuse, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, Homophobia, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Bad At Titles, Implied/Referenced Terrorism, M/M, Nightmares, Right?, Slow Burn, Sort Of, Suicidal Thoughts, Theo does not have the painting in this one, Theodore Decker Has Nightmares, Trans Theodore Decker, Transphobia, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use, and that has to count for something, at least not me, attempted sexual assault of a minor, because there is no way that theo realizing he loved boris AFTER boris kissed him is heterosexual, but it's only mentioned, like VERY canon compliant, say what you want but they were in love, this is literally written by a trans person so nothing here is offensive i promise, yeah gross ik
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:36:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 20,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27607730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ultra_violett/pseuds/ultra_violett
Summary: “I just wanna be normal, Boris.” Theo states, voice thick from crying. Boris looks down at the blonde as he cards his fingers through his hair. “What you mean ‘normal?’ There is no ‘normal.’” Theo shakes his head against Boris’ chest. “Straight, cisgender people are normal, they’re the default.” Theo states. Boris gently takes Theo’s head in his hands, moving it so Theo can face him. “There is no normal. Just because you are not what people say is ‘default,’ does not mean you are not normal.”Or in which Theo is trying so hard to juggle the loss of his mother, his sexuality, his identity, and living with his alcoholic father.
Relationships: Kotku/Boris Pavlikovsky, Theodore Decker/Boris Pavlikovsky
Series: Normal [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2018477
Comments: 27
Kudos: 21





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This book is going to be pretty triggering, and it's going to deal with some heavy things, so please read the tags for any possible trigger warnings and please don't read it if it'll trigger you! Also, Theo is transmasc, as said in the tags, so in the beginning of the book he'll be a female named Terra, so keep that in mind to prevent confusion. I also have just about a million other books on here that I should be updating instead of starting a new book, so I don't know how often I'm going to update this, please be patient with me, I'm trying my best to juggle updating four books, my schoolwork, a social life, and keeping my family happy with me. Anyways I've made a playlist so here it is:  
> Playlist:
> 
> ♡This is Home-Cavetown
> 
> ♡Daddy Issues-The Neighbourhood
> 
> ♡Ribs-Lorde
> 
> ♡Line Without a Hook-Ricky Montgomery
> 
> ♡Where is My Mind-Pixies
> 
> ♡Kids-Current Joys
> 
> ♡New Flesh-Current Joys
> 
> ♡Cigarettes-Amir Obe
> 
> ♡Kiss It Off Me-Cigarettes After Sex
> 
> ♡Fallingforyou-The 1975
> 
> ♡broken-lovelytheband
> 
> ♡I Can't Handle Change-Roar
> 
> ♡Apocalypse-Cigarettes After Sex
> 
> ♡swings-carwash
> 
> ♡high enough-k.flay

Terra gets out of the car, eyeing the house in front of her. It's a nice house, two stories, a pool visible when they were driving up to the house as well. The houses around it are empty, though, all graffiti and boarded up, and the sand from the desert stretching on beyond the houses has started to blow into the street, has started to take over the little community, if it could even be called that. Terra's sure it could have been called a community at some point, she's sure people actually used to live here, that the street used to be booming with families, children, teens, babies, pets, but it's no longer like that. It's just Terra and her father and Xandra, her father's girlfriend, and that's not really a community, is it?

She takes her only suitcase from her father once he's pulled it out of the trunk of the small car they had driven to the house, before beginning to walk up the path to the ajar front door of the house. Xandra's yelling something about dog shit, and there's a dog barking, but Terra can't see the dog, not until she enters the front door and sees a small white dog standing behind Xandra and barking wildly at her as she half assedly cleans piss from the white carpet. Or, it's more of an offwhite now, wildly stained with piss and beer and coffee and God knows what else.

Xandra turns, standing all the way up with a sopping napkin in her hand that she had been using to clean the piss, like that would do anything. "You're room's upstairs. Take any one you want, just not the master." She states, before walking off to the kitchen to throw the napkin away. Terra climbs the stairs, taking the first room she sees and dropping her stuff on the bed there. She unpacks swiftly, not really having much to unpack, and then flops down on her bed, the springs in it squeaking loudly in protest.

Terra's father comes in a moment later, with a bed set for the small twin bed in the center of the room. It's a simple bed set, striped gray and white comforter with gray sheets and pillowcases. He doesn't say anything as he drops the package on the floor before exiting and pounding back down the stairs. Terra stands from the bed and opens the package, quickly and sloppily making the bed before going over to the window and staring out. The window faces the pool, which is dirty, with sand and bugs floating in it and sand piled all around it.

She sighs as she stares out the window to the barren sand dunes beyond the pool. Terra can already tell it's going to be a long day.

☏☏☏

She starts school the next day, getting up at the early hour of five forty five, throwing her long blonde hair into a messy bun and grabbing the first outfit she sees, a maroon top and a pair of jeans. It's a simple outfit, nothing even remotely revealing or anything, which is exactly her style. She had never followed in the steps of her mother with stylish but simple outfits, not in the steps of Xandra, with flashy, expensive looking clothes and lots of accessories. Terra had dressed more like the boys at her school in her younger days, now not really dressing like anyone, just wearing what her and her mother could find for cheap, because they had less and less money over the years, so they were no longer shopping at Gap or Forever 21, and rather thrift stores and Walmart.

Terra slips her worn out high top converse on as well before grabbing her backpack, slinging it over her back, and leaving the house. Neither Xandra nor Terra's father were even awake by the time she had slipped out the door, which was her goal. She hadn't wanted any awkward goodbyes, no forced "have a good day"s.

She walks to the bus stop closest to her house, which is still a fifteen minute walk, and waits for it to pull up. It only takes five minutes until it's there, opening the doors for her and the messy haired boy standing beside her, and then she's walking in and taking the first open seat she sees, the one in the very front, because no teen wants to sit in the front, they all want to sit in the back where they'll get away with more.

The boy from the bus stop sits next to her with a sigh. She rolls her eyes but otherwise does not comment. Suddenly, he's looking over at her, staring at her glasses, and laughing. "Harry Potter!" He shouts, an accent very noticeable in his words. It sounds Russian, but Terra can't be sure, because it really sounds like a mix of a bunch of different accents and Russian is just the most prevalent. "Fuck off." She mutters, as though she hadn't heard that fucking joke ten times before.

"You are new. Yes?" The boy asks, not backing down and clearly not intimidated by her clear unamusement with him. "Yes, I am." The boy shoves some of his greasy raven colored curls out of his face before reaching forward with the same hand, as though to shake hers. "Boris." She stares at his hand for a moment before taking it in her own and shaking it. "Terra." She says, before pulling her hand away. "Pretty name for a pretty face." She rolls her eyes. "Shut the fuck up." The blonde mutters, reaching into her backpack and pulling a notebook out. Boris actually listens now, and watches as she doodles in her notebook for the rest of the bus ride.

He walks with her to the office when they get to the school before ditching her when a skinny girl with long black hair and lifeless looking eyes calls his name. He doesn't even bother saying bye to Terra before he walks off, just looking her direction as he walks over to the other girl. Terra doesn't let it get to her, though, because it's not like her and Boris were friends or anything. Sure, she had hopes, but clearly Boris wasn't as interested in being Terra's friend as she was for him, and that was okay. Terra decided that she could do better than a greasy druggie looking boy, anyway.

She makes her way to her first class and sits in the seat the teacher tells her, and she zones out for the class, as she always does, just like she did when she lived in New York. She was naturally smart, so she really didn't need to focus in class, her brain just naturally absorbed the information, even when she's not paying attention.

When lunch rolls around she enters the cafeteria, grabs the tray of food provided by the school, and then turns to scan the room. There's obviously a seating chart made by the people of the school, the cliches all sitting together and then the social rejects sitting at their own table.

She catches a glimpse of Boris waving her over with a smile, the girl from this morning sitting next to him and looking less than amused at his gesture. Terra almost wants to go sit there, except that girl is shooting her death glares from where she's sitting. Terra instead opts to sit at an empty table in the corner of the cafeteria, by herself.

As she's eating in silence, there's the thud of someone sitting down across from her. She looks up to see Boris, staring directly at her.

"You ignore me. Why?" Terra shrugs as she picks up a fry and dips it into the ketchup on her tray. "Dunno." Boris glares at her. "I think you do know." He states, stealing a fry from her tray. She tries to slap his hand away but he only reciprocates the action. Terra sighs as she watches him sloppily eat the fry, because he just seems to have an air of sloppiness about him, no matter what he's doing.

"Your little girlfriend over there, the girl sitting next to you, was glaring at me pretty sharply. I figured she might kill me if I went over there." Boris laughs as he steals another fry from the blonde. "No, no. She is just a bit intimidating at first. She is not violent." He states, shaking his head. Terra sighs, and realizes that Boris is just not going to leave her alone unless she goes to join him at his table. She sighs and stands, grabbing her tray from the table as she does. "Lead the way, I guess."

She's introduced to the raven haired girl, who's named Kylie, but Boris calls her Kotku, which he says is Polish for 'Kitty cat,' which Terra thinks is really fucking cheesy, but she doesn't say it. Other than Kotku, there are two other girls, a blonde named Hazel, and a darker skinned girl named Ivory. Kotku is really the only one, to Terra, that's all that intimidating, the other two girls welcoming Terra into the group with open arms, but Kotku not saying a single thing to Terra the whole lunch period.

Terra figures she must be jealous, or something else stupid.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m so sorry this chapter took so long to get out but here it is! i have big plans for this series so please stick around despite my terrible updating schedule!

"Do you want to come over? I have good shit." Boris asks Terra as they walk to their homes later that day, tapping the side of his nose to indicate _drugs_. Terra almost wants to say no, because the most she's ever done is smoke cigarettes, and she doesn't even know how to do drugs, but she guesses it's never too late to figure it out. She nods and lets Boris drag her to his house.

Boris' house is much like hers, located in what used to be a community but is now just his house, but his is much dirtier, and it reeks of beer and sweat. No adult figures are anywhere to be seen, but Terra supposes they must just be at work or something. She lets Boris lead her up to his room, which reeks of weed, cigarettes, beer, and sweat, which she kind of expects. There are clothes all over the floor, a TV across from the bed, which is literally just a mattress on the floor.

Boris grabs a cigarette from a pack on his nightstand, turning and silently offering one to Terra, who hesitantly takes it. He lights his cigarette before tossing the lighter over to Terra, who catches it without struggle and lights her own cigarette. Boris stares at her as she takes an inhale of the cancer stick, coughing almost immediately after, which causes him to laugh. "Never smoked before, Potter?" Terra shrugs as she plops herself down on the messy bed. "A few times, not enough to be used to it, though." She states, before taking another deep inhale of the cigarette. This time, there is no coughing. Terra watches as Boris rifles through his bedside table before pulling out a small baggie of white powder, something Terra knows is just going to be the shitty cocaine he's probably gotten from another kid at school, but despite the quality no doubt being terrible, the two are just kind of excited to have the drugs.

He opens the baggie and dumps some of the powder on the table, working it into a thin line with a credit card he's most likely stolen from one of his parents that he grabs from the floor. Boris turns to her once he's gotten two lines of it set out, one for him and one for her. "Who first?" Terra shrugs, crawling across the small bed to kneel next to him. "Why do you even have this?" Boris is the one to shrug this time. "Dunno. Helps with the feelings, sometimes." He doesn't elaborate on what he means by _feelings_ before he's leaning down and snorting the line he had made for himself. He leans back, his nose bleeding a bit, which he just wipes away with his hand. That doesn't really do much, just smears the blood across his face, but it works, Terra supposes.

He looks at her expectantly once he seems to have decided it's her turn to do it. She leans down and follows what Boris did, plugging a nostril and snorting the powder. As she leans away from the bedside table, she feels blood trickle down from her nostril, but she doesn't bother trying to wipe it away. Her sinuses burn, unsurprisingly. She had expected that.

The two kids sit on Boris' mattress as they wait for the drugs to kick in, their eyes glazing over as it finally does, numbness washing over them as well. Terra begins to understand, as she embraces the numbness that's taken over her body. She understands why people like drugs, why they use them to cope with their issues, because it feels really fucking nice, not to have to feel the constant nagging of the trauma she had gone through that day at the museum. It feels nice not having to deal with the emotions that flood her when she thinks of watching her mother walking away from her at the museum to look at another painting and then never seeing her again.

She feels carefree, for once in about a month.

☏☏☏

Once the drugs have mostly worn off, Terra wipes the crusted blood from under her nose and leaves Boris' house, a baggie of the powder that Boris had tucked into her backpack, because he had been nice enough to let her have some, after seeing how carefree and happy she was after that. He gave her the proper instructions on how the stuff works, like how much you can have at once and such, before telling her goodbye and watching as she walked away.

Now, she's entering her new home, being greeted by the smells of beer and dog piss, and immediately being flooded by millions of questions of "Where have you been?" She sighs and explains to her father and Xandra that she'd made a friend and she'd been hanging out with him, making sure not to mention the drugs or the small bit of alcohol they had ingested while she was there.

"God, you smell like weed, Terra." Xandra mutters as Terra's sitting in the living room, telling her father all about her new friend. "Yeah, his house smells like weed. We didn't do anything." Terra states, not even looking at Xandra. Terra's father is making her watch football with him, for some reason, so she's not going to risk looking away for even a second, because she knows how bad her father's temper is, especially when he's drunk, and he's definitely had a few beers at this point.

"Sure you didn't. Just don't die, it'll be on us that you're a druggie." Terra's father states, taking a swig of his beer. "Your eyes are still glazed over, you're not slick." He states, when he sees the confused look on her face, as though she was asking how he knew. Terra sighs and pushes a strand of blonde hair out of her face, wishing in that moment her hair was shorter. Sure, that wouldn't prevent it from falling into her face, but she just wishes it were shorter sometimes. These wishes aren't new, wanting to have shorter hair, and they're typically accompanied by not wanting her boobs, either, wanting to be flat chested. Wanting to be a boy. She always shoves the thoughts away but they come back a week or two later, because she can only suppress the thoughts for so long.

She figures it's normal, and she's asked her mother before but her mother had just smiled and answered the vaguesed answer possible. "You'll figure everything out." What is that even supposed to mean? Terra had thought about it for a while but was never able to figure anything out, so she had just stopped thinking about it.

Terra thinks maybe she could ask Xandra, and maybe it would be more of a help. But not now, not while her father's near, cuz he'll probably lash out or something. Maybe tomorrow, after school, because Xandra gets home from her job earlier than Terra's father does.

"Dinner's ready, guys." Xandra says tiredly, making herself a plate before going to sit at the small, four person dining table. Terra joins her, after making her own plate.

☏☏☏

School the next day is boring, and rather than taking up Boris' offer to go do drugs at his place again, Terra decides to go home. Boris looks a bit disappointed, but he doesn't say anything other than a simple 'okay.' So she makes her way home and enters the quiet house, sitting in her room, on the floor, while she does her homework until Xandra gets home.

When Xandra enters the house, loudly dropping her bag on the floor and sighing, Terra basically runs down the stairs to greet her. She seems a bit surprised that Terra is actually there, and so excited to see her, but doesn't say anything to the blonde. She just makes her way to the kitchen and pours herself a glass of wine before leaning back against the counter to stare at Terra.

"What do you want?" She asks, after a moment, before taking a sip of her white wine. "How did you know I want something?" Terra asks, slowly walking into the kitchen to join Xandra and sitting at the dining table. "The look on your face. So what is it?" Xandra asks. Terra takes a deep breath, the anxious butterflies in her stomach pounding around wildly and her heart beating so loudly she's sure Xandra can hear, even from across the room.

"Is it normal to want to be a boy sometimes?" Xandra seems to think on the question for a moment, mulling it over, as she takes another sip of her wine. "Sometimes I wonder what it's like, but I've never had a _want_ to be any gender other than female." Terra thinks on the answer. "Am I weird, then?" Xandra clears her throat and goes to sit at the table as well, across from Terra.

"Not really. There are other people like that. Y'know, they wanna be the opposite gender. Some want to even be no gender at all, from what I've heard." Terra fiddles with her fingers as she listens to Xandra talk. "Do you want to be a boy?" Terra nods hesitantly. Xandra sighs, looking down at the wine in her glass as she swirls it around. "Alright." She says, before standing and going to put more wine in her glass even though she hadn't even finished what was already in there.

"Do you hate me now?" Xandra sighs again and shakes her head. "No. Your dad's not going to be happy, but do what you want. If you want to cut your hair and become a boy, do it." Xandra states. "I'm not paying for your haircuts or anything, though. That's on you." She states, before walking off to the living room to watch TV before dad gets home and steals it to watch football.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here’s a chapter to celebrate new years, so happy new year and let’s hope for a better year than 2020! :)

After school the next day, she goes over to Boris’ house again. They make their way up to Boris’ room, as they had the last time, and Boris begins to pull the baggie of white powder out of the drawer in his bedside table as Terra stops him. He looks up at her, a bit confused. “You okay, Potter?” Terra takes a shaky, nervous breath. She had decided to ask Boris for a bit of help with cutting her hair, because she couldn’t do it herself, and she didn’t have money to go to a salon.

“Uh, I need help.” Boris drops the baggie back into the drawer, shutting it and turning all his attention to Terra. “I wanna cut my hair, I can’t do it myself, and my parental figures said they wouldn’t pay for it.” Boris stares at her for a moment, and Terra begins to wonder if she’s chosen the wrong person to do this, if maybe she should have just risked doing it herself and fucking up her hair. Boris shrugs after a moment, though, and goes rifling around his room before coming back with a pair of scissors.

“Bathroom is best. We flush the hair or something.” He states, leading Terra out to the hall and over to the bathroom. He points to the counter, silently telling the blonde to sit there. She nods and hoists herself up onto the counter, staring directly at Boris, right in his brown eyes. This is the first time she’s been able to look him directly in the eye without having to look up. “How short?” He asks, pulling her hair out of it’s messy bun. She shrugs. “Pretty fucking short, like a boy’s haircut.” Boris thinks for a second as he places her hairbow to the side.

And then he’s grabbing a strand of hair and going straight for it, snipping it short. He holds the lock of hair in his hand for a moment before throwing it in the toilet next to the counter. Boris continues to snip at the hair until Terra’s head is lighter, so much lighter, and then he’s placing the scissors on the counter and gently grabbing her shoulders so she can look in the mirror without falling in the sink. “Well?” He asks as she stares at it. She lifts a hand and runs it through the hair with a smile. “It’s good. I like it.” She states, turning to face Boris and wrapping her arms around his shoulders. “Thanks.” She mutters, basically into his messy curls. He smells like cigarettes, mainly, with undertones of beer, which is pretty much how Terra expected him to smell.

“Yeah, sure, Potter.” He murmurs, pulling away from the awkward hug and flushing the toilet. Terra watches as her blonde locks swirl around and around before disappearing. They go back to Boris’ room after that, getting drunk and doing drugs until late at night, when Boris just throws a shirt at Terra to sleep in because it’s too late for her to walk back home. The shirt-grey with cats on it-goes to about mid thigh, which basically means she doesn’t have to worry about pants.

The two teens squeeze onto Boris’ twin mattress on the floor, fighting over the blanket for a few minutes before finally settling down and getting to sleep.

☏☏☏

_ It’s hot, foggy, and Terra can’t breath. Her ears are ringing loudly, there’s yelling, the slight sound of rain pounding down on the roof above her. She doesn’t know where she is, but she’s sweating, there’s dirt in her eyes, her glasses aren’t on her face anymore, she can’t see. Someone’s groaning a few feet away, there’s a weight on her ankle, her arm itches where it’s touching someone else’s, and despite the heat of their body she can tell that person is dead. _

_ She sits up slowly, her back aching. Where was she? What was happening? How long has she been here? She sees her glasses laying a few feet away, and she reaches over to grab them, shove them onto her face. She can only see out of one lens, the other is cracked, a single crack starting from the side and spider webbing across the whole lens. She coughs, the dirt or dust or whatever the hell that is enveloping her lungs and making it hard to breathe. _

_ There’s sirens, somewhere, someone yelling and asking if anyone was alive. Terra opens her mouth to yell, but her throat is hoarse, dry, her lips chapped. She wants some water, that’s all she wants. She’s crying. Why is she crying? _

_ “Terra!” Someone with an accent is yelling her name. Where the fuck is it coming from? She looks around to try to find where the voice could be coming from, but she can’t quite tell. It seems to be coming from everywhere but nowhere at the same time. _

Terra sits up with a gasp, she’s hot and sweaty, her face is sticky with tears. Where is she? This isn’t her dad’s house in Vegas. Someone’s hugging her. Their hair tickles her face, her shoulder where the oversized shirt she’s wearing has slipped down her arm in her sleep.

“Boris?” She mutters, voice thick with sleep. He’s dragging her back down to the bed, pulling her close to him so their bodies are flush. He’s tangling their legs together, the shirt she’s wearing riding up as he does but she doesn’t mind. She doesn’t feel uncomfortable with Boris, or self conscious, and she knows Boris wouldn’t ever be a creeper, touch her in weird ways or make her do things she doesn’t want to. Not like that boy-Tom Cable-that she used to hang out with and spoke with in the school bathrooms. Boris isn’t like him, not at all. 

“Shh, Potter, go back to sleep. You’re safe.” Terra nods, burying her head in Boris’ shoulder as she drifts back into sleep, because she does feel safe. She knows she’s safe, with Boris she’ll always be safe.

Terra doesn’t have nightmares for the rest of the night.


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning Terra wakes up the next morning a lot later than she had expected, or even wanted. The sun was already up, so she knew it was a lot later than even six in the morning, and as she turned to throw her glasses on and check the alarm clock on the bedside table that confirmed it when she saw it said it was ten thirty.

She rolls over and shakes Boris’ shoulder a bit, eliciting a sleepy groan from the lanky boy. She rolls her eyes and shakes him again. “Boris, fuckface, wake up! We’re late. Really late.” Boris groans again and grabs Terra by the shoulders, pulling her back down to the bed. “No.” He mumbles into her short blonde hair. She rolls her eyes again and begins to try to squirm out of his grasp. “Boris we’re late.” Boris’ grip doesn’t let up, however. “Boriiiiiis.” Terra whines, shoving at Boris’ shoulder yet again before moving to poke him in the side. He quickly grabs her hand though and pulls her hand away from his side.

“Terra. You’ll be fine skipping a day. Now go the fuck back to sleep, or at least leave me alone.” Boris mumbles into Terra’s shoulder. She rolls her eyes but complies, stopping her squirming and laying calmly next to him. Boris’ breathing slows, signifying he’s asleep. 

The peace doesn’t last for long, though, because the front door slams a few minutes later. Boris basically jumps out of his skin as she sits up, running a hand through his messy curls and shoving Terra out of the bed. He locks his bedroom door before turning to face Terra, fear clear on his face.

“You need to leave. Now. It’s my dad. He cannot know you are here, Terra.” She listens, running over and grabbing her baggy jeans from yesterday and throwing them on before grabbing her shirt and tossing it into her backpack. She leaves Boris’ cat shirt on as she slips her worn out converse on before, with Boris’ help, slipping out the window. 

She sits on the curb around the corner, down the road from Boris’ house while she waits for the Russian boy. It’s a bit, maybe fifteen minutes, before he’s joining her, sluggishly walking with a bruise on his eye. She instantly stands to inspect his face, only for him to pull it away from her hand. “‘M fine. Let’s go.” Terra nods and leads Boris to her house.

The two enter, Popper barking loudly at them as they do. Terra rolls her eyes and walks past the small dog while Boris crouches down to pet him. “That’s Popper.” Terra says as she makes her way to the kitchen to find something to eat, because they hadn’t had time to eat anything before they left Boris’, and Terra was hungry. She’s able to find a few eggs in the fridge, luckily, and though she doesn’t really know how to make scrambled eggs, she’s sure she can figure it out. 

“Boris, you hungry? I’m making food!” Terra asks, the sound of Boris’ worn out boots pounding toward the kitchen echoing through the house rather than an answer. She takes it as a yes and begins trying her best to make scrambled eggs. Boris hovers over her and watches for a moment before sighing and pushing her away, beginning to do it himself. “All wrong.” He mutters, the only thing he says as he cooks. She watches, taking note of everything he does so she doesn’t fuck up again. 

Once the eggs are done they scrape them onto two plates and eat at the dining table, Terra staring out at the dirty pool beyond the window located next to the table, and Boris staring at Popper, who’s staring directly at the plate of eggs he’s eating.

Boris scoops some eggs onto his fork, stares at them for a moment, and then flips the fork so that the eggs fall to the floor. The  _ splat!  _ of the eggs is what calls Terra’s attention away from the slight waves of the pool and towards Popper, who is now leaning down to lap up the eggs. She looks over at Boris, who is acting as though nothing happened. “Did you seriously just give my dog eggs?” She asks. Boris looks up from his plate for a second to look at her and shrugs. “Good for him.” He states. 

Terra stares at the dog for a moment, before looking back up at her eggs. It’s not like he’s her dog, it’s not her fault if he gets sick or dies. 

The two teens stay downstairs until they hear Xandra’s car pulling into the driveway, which is when they make a beeline for the stairs. Their footsteps, mainly Boris’ due to his boots, thump loudly as they run up the stairs. The two manage to make it to Terra’s bedroom, closing the door right as Xandra’s opening the door downstairs and Popper, or as Boris has started to call him, Popchyk, has started barking at the woman as she walks through the front door.

Boris walks around Terra’s room, looking at the various things in it. There isn’t much, only some clothes hanging in the closet, her bed, two tables next to the bed, and only one of them with things on it. On the one bedside table is a lamp, a bottle of perfume Terra stole from her mother’s room and never uses, she only took it as she was packing her things because it reminds her of her mother, and a jewelry box, one of those with the ballerinas in it that plays a song when you wind it up. Terra rarely ever touches the jewelry box, and most of the things in it are stuff her mother’s bought her for birthdays and stuff when she was younger. Once her mother realized she never enjoyed the jewelry, she stopped buying it.

Boris seems interested with the room, regardless of the fact there’s really not much to be interested in. He walks around the room, looking through Terra’s closet, rifling through the jewelry box and such, not even faltering when he finds a box of pads under her bed. Terra realizes, as she flops back on her bed and watches him, that Boris doesn’t have much sense of boundaries.

She doesn’t mind, not like there’s anything for her to hide in her room, and he doesn’t seem to care about the ‘personal items’-as Terra’s mother had called them-that rest in her room. 

Once he’s successfully searched the room he sits next to Terra and pulls a box of cigarettes out of his pocket. She just sits up and turns to look at him as he offers one to her. She takes it, lights it with the lighter he hands her, and places it in her mouth. It’s not like Xandra will notice the smell, the house reeks of dog piss, sweat, alcohol, and cigarettes already. More smells won’t do any harm, and Xandra’s not the most attentive anyway. Neither is Larry, Terra’s dad, so they’re in the clear.

She doesn’t think they’d care if they noticed anyway.


	5. Chapter 5

Terra walks down the stairs quietly, the smell of whatever the hell Xandra’s making for dinner slowly getting more and more prominent as she walks. Boris is behind her, trying to be quiet as well, and somehow being better than she is despite his tall and lanky structure, and his overall tendency to just be loud. She figures it’s probably because of his dad. Even though she doesn't know anything about Boris’ dad, she knows that when Boris came out of the house that morning he had a black eye, and it had to have been his father that gave it to him, there’s no way he’d be so secretive about how it happened unless that was the case. 

As she reaches the bottom of the stairs and goes to lead Boris towards the front door, someone clears their throat behind the two. They turn to face the source, the teen’s gazes meeting with Larry’s. 

“Who the hell is this, Terra? What the fuck did you do to your hair?” Terra rolls her eyes at her father’s questions. He doesn’t care, he’s just pretending because Boris is here. “This is Boris, my friend. I cut my hair, obviously.” Larry’s eye twitches in that way it always does when he wants to beat her ass for using attitude but there are guests so he can’t, but she knows later she’s going to get an earful for her attitude and possibly even a bruise or two, depending on how long he has to wait and how many beers he gets in during that time.

Larry turns to face Boris, plastering a fake smile onto his face. “Boris, nice to meet you. I’m Larry, Terra’s father. That’s Xandra, my girlfriend.” He states, grabbing Boris’ hand to shake it before pointing over to Xandra in the kitchen, sipping a glass of wine as she leans against the counter and watches the game. “It is very nice to meet you, Mr. Larry.” Boris says, the sentence meant for Larry, but he can’t pry his eyes off of Xandra in her expensive looking skimpy outfit.

“Right, well, are you staying for dinner? We weren’t prepared but I’m sure we could figure it out.” Boris shakes his head, finally taking his eyes off Xandra as she turns back to the stove. “No, I will be okay. I should get home, anyway.” He states, already beginning to back towards the door. Larry lets him, watching as he slips his boots on and gets out the door, closing it loudly behind him. As soon as the door’s closing, Larry is right in Terra’s space, grabbing her arm and dragging her away from Xandra so she doesn’t have to watch what’s about to go down.

“You’re a whore.” Larry mutters, pulling Terra into his office and closing the door with a slam. He throws her across the room, locking the door with the other hand as he watches her stumble around to catch her balance. “Bringing boys in here? Skipping school with those boys? What the hell is wrong with you?” Terra just stares at her father.

“God, what the fuck is wrong with you, huh? Are my words going in one ear and going out the other? And what is this?” He asks, taking two large steps towards the girl and tugging her short hair harshly. “Are you a dyke, a tranny?” Terra almost wants to cry at her father’s harsh words, but instead she opts to do what she always does, zones out. She stares at her father, and decides to think about anything other than what’s going on. Terra only comes back to reality once she’s been slapped and thrown against her father’s desk and he’s left the room. 

Upon coming back to reality, her cheek stings, her back aches, and she really just wants to be trapped in Boris’ tight embrace like last night, after her nightmare.

Once Terra’s laid on the floor for a few minutes she finally stands, wincing when it makes her back hurt even worse. She wonders, as she exits the office and walks up the stairs, how her and her mother always used to deal with this, every day. How Boris deals with it.

Xandra doesn’t even bat an eye at her as she walks up the stairs, just staring at her as she holds her plate, halfway to the living room. Larry’s sitting in the living room, a beer in his hand as he watches the football game and cheers. No one speaks.

Terra only lets herself cry once she’s gotten to her bedroom and closed the door. She locks it too, for good measure, before climbing onto her bed. She curls up against Boris’ cat shirt after slipping it off, leaving her shirtless, and cries into it as she drifts off into sleep, despite the lights being on and the sun not even down.

☏☏☏

Terra wakes up to a knock on her bedroom door, her back aching even worse than it had last night when she had acquired the injury. Her cheek still stings as well, and she wonders if there’s a mark there like there surely is on her back from where she hit the desk. She rolls around in the bed, grabbing around for her glasses before finally finding them and slipping them on her face. Her alarm clock on the table next to her bed reads 8:27, making her grimace. Today is Saturday, so she shouldn’t have to wake up so early.

She sighs as there’s another knock on the door, grabbing Boris’ shirt that she slept in last night and slipping it over her head to cover her bare chest. Terra swings the door open once she reaches it, staring at Xandra, who’s standing in front of the door and looking just as tired as Terra feels. It’s clear she hasn’t put her full face of makeup on yet today, and that she was also abruptly woken up by whatever it is that she desperately has to tell Terra.

“Your boy toy’s here. Downstairs, on the front porch. He’s been debating whether or not to knock for the past thirty minutes, Popper won’t stop fucking barking at him so go tell him to fuck off or invite him in or something, I don’t fucking care. Just shut the dog up.” Xandra states before walking off and going back to her and Larry’s room.

Terra pads downstairs and to the front door, swinging it open quickly to reveal Boris, standing there like a deer in the headlights with his hand halfway up, as though he was going to knock. Terra smiles tiredly at him and walks away from the door, towards the living room, to let the boy in. She almost thinks he isn’t going to until she finally hears the clomp of his boots as he walks through the door. 

“Why’re you here so early?” Terra asks at the same time as Boris says “What happened to your cheek?” They both stop and stare at each other after speaking, wordlessly arguing over who’s going to answer who’s question first. Popper energetically jumps at Boris, clawing at his knees and yipping up at him loudly. 

“Please pick him up, Xandra’s going to lose her shit if he keeps barking this early.” Terra states, looking down at the fluffy dog clawing at her friend. Boris complies, bending down and grabbing the dog. Popper instantly shuts up, opting to instead lick at Boris’ face as the boy laughs quietly.

“My dad hit me. That’s what happened to my cheek.” Boris’ mood instantly changes, morphing from happy to angry in a millisecond. “He hurt you?” Boris says, so low it’s almost a growl. Terra rolls her eyes and walks towards the kitchen. “Down, boy. He’s done worse.” She states, opening the fridge and rifling through. Boris follows her into the kitchen, stopping right outside the kitchen and putting Popper on the ground upon realizing he needs to take his shoes off. He does so, Popper following him as he places them with everyone else’s shoes next to the front door. 

“He shouldn’t hit you, still.” Boris states once he’s come back and is now leaning against the counter next to the fridge. Terra waves him off, pulling a greasy pizza box from who knows when out of the cluttered fridge. “I’m okay. Doesn’t even hurt.” She states, technically only partly lying. Her cheek doesn’t hurt anymore, but her back sure as hell does. “Bullshit. I see pain in your eyes.” Boris states, looking directly at her as she places the pizza box on the island and opens it. “Fine, he threw me against a desk too. Happy?” Boris’ eyes go dark with something Terra’s never seen before, but she can tell he’s angrier than before.

She sighs, picking up a piece of cold pepperoni pizza and finally turning to face the lanky boy. “I’m fine. Only hurts a bit.” She states before taking a bite from the pizza. Boris sighs and grabs a slice of pizza as well. “Lemme see.” Boris states after a moment. Terra stares at him for a second, and upon seeing he’s completely serious, rolls her eyes, circles the island, and pulls the back of her shirt up so he can see the bruise that most likely paints the usually pale skin purple and blue. 

She hasn’t seen the bruise yet herself, but judging from the loud huff that Boris lets out, she guesses it’s not pretty. That’s to be expected, though. 

Terra, however, is not expecting when Boris places his whole cold hand directly on the bruise, no warning. She hisses and flinches away from the touch, pulling her shirt down and glaring at Boris once she’s recovered from the mixture of pain and cold that had just jolted through her body all at once. 

She turns to face Boris, who looks like he’s sort of fighting off a laugh. She rolls her eyes and gently shoves him in the shoulder, causing his laughter to finally break free. “Dick.” She mutters, but she can’t help but let a smile take over her face as well.


	6. Chapter 6

The front door creaks shut, signaling that Xandra has finally gone off to work, and Boris and Terra are alone in her house for the day. Larry had seemed less than happy about it, but he couldn’t just lay off work because his daughter was hanging out with a boy. He had at least warmed up to Boris a bit over breakfast when Boris actually showed interest in the football game Larry had put on the TV, quickly learning all the moves and everything about football that had always gone right over Terra’s head. 

As soon as they hear Xandra’s car pull out of the driveway, the two teens are exchanging a glance paired with a mischievous smirk. They both make a run for the counter, where a pack of the cigarettes that Xandra had specifically said not to touch were laying, halfway open. 

Terra rolls her eyes when Boris grabs it first, lifting it high above the blonde’s head with a victorious “Ha!” She makes her way over to the alcohol cabinet, though, and grabs the first bottle of vodka she sees, because she can just fill that with water and the adults will be none the wiser. Hopefully, at least.

Terra walks over to the dining table, placing the vodka down on the table with a clunk and snatching Boris’ cigarette directly out of his hand to take a puff. He glares at her but doesn’t make a grab at it, allowing her to take it as he lights himself another one. 

“This is fucking boring.” Terra states, staring out at the pool in the backyard. Boris glances back there as well, staring directly at the foldout chair that Xandra always lays in to tan. Terra thinks it’s kind of weird, the way Boris is sort of attracted to Xandra. Maybe it’s just because Terra has no interest in girls, or maybe it’s because Xandra is her father’s girlfriend. Maybe it’s because Terra actually knows how bad of a person Xandra is, while Boris doesn’t. Either way, it kind of makes her skin crawl when Boris not so subtly looks at Xandra seductively, especially when he’s dating that Kotku girl at school, the eighteen year old.

That also weirds Terra out. Not necessarily Boris being attracted to Kotku, because she’s skinny, she smells nice, dresses nice, wears a ton of makeup, but Kotku liking Boris and dating him. She’s eighteen and Boris is thirteen, almost fourteen, which Terra is pretty sure should be illegal, if it’s not already.

“We could go shopping.” Boris suggests, eyes zigzagging around the backyard, if it could even be called that. It’s not even a yard, it’s a pool filled with bugs and sand, and beyond that just a shit ton of sand, no actual land in sight. “With what? We’re broke, idiot.” Terra states, looking at the boy as she uncaps the vodka and takes a swig of it. Boris snatches it from her almost as soon as it’s away from her mouth, taking a swig as well. “That’s why we ‘borrow.’” Boris states, shrugging and placing taking another sip of vodka. Terra stares at him for a second and then shrugs, taking another hit of her cigarette before putting it out on the ashtray sitting on the dining table. There’s at least one ashtray on each surface of the house, all filled with cigarettes and ashes.

“Let’s go.” She states, slipping out of her seat and walking towards the front door, where her converse were discarded yesterday when she came in with Boris. She typically doesn’t leave them there, but she was distracted, so she was just doing what Boris was.

Boris follows her, taking one last sip of the vodka and then following her out the door, slipping his shoes on his feet on the way there.

Terra starts to regret not at least changing before exiting the house, but she doesn’t think about it too much, because Boris has been wearing the same clothes since she first saw him on the bus. 

The teens walk to the grocery store, because that’s where Boris leads them. Terra doesn’t know anywhere in this town, so she kind of just has to go where he takes her. 

They fuck around at the grocery store a bit, laughing loudly and pushing each other into freezers in the sold section, smuggling a steak and various other random things off the shelves and shoving them into their jackets. Terra snatches a roll of ace bandages while they’re dicking around in one aisle, because the _super smart_ idea to wrap it around her chest and make her flat comes into her mind and she just can’t say no to that. 

Then they make it back to Terra’s house, where they cook the steak and Terra goes to the bathroom, wrapping the bandages she snatched around her chest tightly until she’s flat. It sort of hurts, and when she breathes in it feels kind of like there’s a weight on her chest that makes breathing extremely difficult, but she doesn’t care because when she puts Boris’ cat shirt back on there’s no lump from her breasts anymore, it’s completely flat. She feels happy with it after running her hands over her chest a few times and coming across the conclusion that as long as no one touches her chest then they’ll never know there’s bandages there.

Boris doesn’t seem to notice as she walks back out and sits at the dining table, where he’s already sitting. He’s got a cigarette dangling out of his mouth, the steak already missing a few pieces from where he’s dug into it, and there’s a bag of white pills sitting next to the opened vodka from earlier.

“Try the steak, is good.” He states, grabbing a piece and holding it over Popper, who’s been whining for the steak since they got through the front door, as though he could smell it through Terra’s jacket. Terra does what Boris says, taking a piece and shoving it in her mouth. She smiles at the boy sitting across from her to signify to him that she agrees with him, that it tastes good. 

“Look what I got.” Boris states, grabbing the sandwich bag from the table and holding it up for Terra to see. It’s the bag of what Xandra says are vitamins, complete even with a sticky note stuck to it with a V written on it. “That’s Xandra’s vitamins, dude.” Terra states, rolling her eyes and taking a sip of the vodka on the table. Boris laughs and shakes his head. “No, no. Is Vicodin.” He states, opening the bag and placing two on the table. He grabs a glass that was sitting near him that Terra had somehow missed, and crushes the pills with it.

“We’re snorting them? Can’t we just swallow them or something?” Terra asks, still a bit confused because she doesn’t even know what Vicodin is. Boris shakes his head. “Hits harder this way.” He states, standing and walking over to the kitchen to search for a straw. Once he finds one he comes back over to Terra, making the crushed pills into fours lines before snorting one. Terra gets an odd sense of deja vu from this, going back to the first night she hung out with Boris and they were snorting cocaine in his bedroom.

His nose doesn’t bleed this time like it had when they were snorting the cocaine. Boris hands the straw over to Terra to do what he did, and she takes another sip of vodka before doing it. As soon as she’s leaning away and dropping the straw, Boris is handing the vodka back to her. She takes it, of course, and drinks from it before handing it back to him.

Boris says something in Russian as he takes the bottle from Terra. “How will we know when it starts working?” Terra asks, leaning back in her chair. Boris just smiles at her.

☏☏☏

The sun’s gone down, Xandra and Larry are nowhere to be seen. Terra doesn’t care. Her and Boris are laying next to the pool, drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and staring up at the stars. She thinks the Vicodin has kicked in now.

“My dad killed a man.” Boris says, suddenly. Terra doesn’t look at him, the statement not affecting her as much as it really should. “In mine, in New Guinea.” Boris continues. Terra looks over at him. “Bullshit.” She states. He looks over at her, shaking his head. “No. It’s true.” He looks away from her, back at the stars. “He did it with a… what do you call it?” Boris moves his hand from next to Terra’s and places it on her stomach. “Pipe wrench.” He states, moving his hand back to next to Terra’s. “Tried to make it look like loose rocks had fall on him.” He explains.

“We had to leave right after.” He states, looking at Terra then back at the stars, taking a hit of his cigarette. “Now you. A secret.” Terra sighs, looking away from Boris, to the sky. “I dream about my mom. I dream somebody tells me where she’s living. It’s like some old slum building across town. And I run there, and I run up the stairs, but she’s gone. She’s always gone.” Terra says, already trying to fight back tears just from thinking about the dreams, about her mom. It’s been almost a month and she still misses her mom, she wonders if the pain ever goes away.

“It’s not secret.” Boris states, but Terra ignores him and continues. “She won’t see me because it was my fault. She was taking me to see the principal because they’d said I’d been smoking. And it was raining, and we were early and that’s why we went into the museum. It was my fault she died. And now she won’t see me.” Boris doesn’t say anything as Terra cries a bit.

Boris stands, throws his cigarette on the ground, and looks at Terra. “Swim, Potter.” He states, before stripping his socks and shoes off and jumping into the pool. Terra follows, slipping off her own socks and shoes and jumping into the cold pool as well. 


	7. Chapter 7

“Terra, goddammit, is that boy here still?” A familiar voice yells up the stairs. Terra opens her eyes, only aware of the fact she’s only wearing her underwear and the bandages from last night, and the fact that Boris is curled tightly around her. She’s sure they hadn’t done anything luckily, but it’s still kind of weird.

She only sits up when she hears her father’s footsteps pounding up the stairs. As soon as his boot has hit the stairs, she’s launching off the bed and throwing the first shirt she sees onto her body. Even though it isn’t the best because it’s only a shirt, it’s definitely better than just underwear and bandages. It’s even better because the shirt is obviously Boris’, so it reaches halfway down her thighs because she’s a lot shorter than he is.

“Terra, fucking answer me!” She speed walks out of the room, closing the door behind her and going to the stairs to meet her father, ignoring the ache in her ribs from the bandaids as she does. She figures she’ll just try to lie her way out of this, even though he obviously saw Boris’ boots next to the door.

“Where the hell is he? Huh? I’m gonna beat your ass, and then I’m gonna beat his.” Terra shakes her head, her father blurry in front of her because she hadn’t had time to grab her glasses. “No, dad. No, no, no. We didn’t-” He cuts her off as he rushes past her into her bedroom, her in tow behind him. She expects to see him chewing Boris out as she follows him into the room, only to see him standing in the doorway, confused, Boris nowhere in sight.

Larry walks around the room, looking under the bed, under piles of clothes, and in the closet to find Boris, but the boy is nowhere to be seen. “Next time he’s here overnight, you’re dead.” Larry states before walking off. Terra stands there for a few moments, only turning when she hears her window open and Boris grunt as he tries to hoist himself up and back into her room. She’s over there in an instant to help him, pulling him through the window and closing it as soon as he’s in her room. 

She then goes to her door and closes it, locking it as well for good measure. As she turns to face Boris, he grabs her gently by the shoulders and slips her lost glasses onto her face. 

“Thanks.” She mutters, walking away from him and over to her bed before he can respond. She doesn’t ask what happened last night, she’s sure they just fucked around or something. Boris doesn’t ask about the bandages wrapped around her chest, and Terra doesn’t explain it. But she does turn to him and say something she’s wanted to for a bit now.

“I wanna be a boy.” She states, looking Boris directly in the eye. He stares back, looking a bit confused, rather than angry or disgusted as she had expected him to. He shrugs in response to her statement once it seems to have sunk in. “Okay, then you are boy.” He states, standing and beginning to dig around the room for something. “I wanna be called Theo.” She, no, _he_ says. “Okay, you are Theo.” Boris states, finally finding a pack of cigarettes in the pile of clothes in the corner of Terra’s, _Theo’s_ bedroom and pulling one out. 

Theo almost wants to cry at how accepting Boris is to this new information, how okay he is with calling Theo what he wants to be called, how okay he is with using Theo’s new pronouns. “This is why you have haircut, yes?” Theo nods, because he knows if he were to speak right now then he would start crying. “Now you have taken vow of silence.” Boris jokes, taking a puff of the cigarette. Theo laughs as well, but it quickly morphs into a sob as he finally cries. Boris doesn’t say anything about it, doesn’t seem confused either, he just brings Theo into a hug to comfort him. And oddly enough, it is comforting, more than it had ever been before. Because now Theo’s being accepted and supported, not only with verbal affirmations, but with physical as well. Theo doesn’t think he’s ever enjoyed a hug this much, not even one of his mother’s.

☏☏☏

_Theo sits up, dust clouding his vision as he does. His glasses are gone, far away from him. Bodies surround him, the air is sticky with heat. A body touches him, the warmth sort of comforting him despite him knowing that person is dead. His hair is long, reaching down to his shoulders. He’s dressed nicely, nicer than usual in a floral patterned dress and a pair of his mother’s ankle boots. Right now, he’s not Theo. He’s Terra._

_He hates it._

_It almost feels worse than the nightmare itself._

_Someone’s groaning off in the distance, so Theo stands, little glass shards and splinters of wood pricking into his palms as he uses them to support him. His legs feel wobbly, like jello, and pinpricks of pain shoot through them as he stands on them and feeling flows back into them. Blood seeps down his face, a warm stream next to his eye where something had clearly stricken him and tore the skin open, producing thick, warm red liquid and stinging pain._

_His head is thumping as well, ears ringing loudly and only amplifying the pain. He continues to walk towards the groaning, though, until he reaches an old man sitting up. The man says something to him, explaining to go somewhere and someone will help him before he’s dropping a thick silver ring in Theo’s palm and then he’s dying right in front of the boy, still sitting up._

Theo sits up quickly, breathing heavy and chest hurting as it fights against the bandages that has been wrapped tightly around it for the past two days. He’s sweating too, reaching out for someone, the thought of _Boris, Boris, Boris I need you please_ the only thing in his mind at the moment. But Boris isn’t there for once, he went back home earlier that day, sneaking out the window and running home, feet bare because he had left his boots downstairs and it was too risky to grab them.

Theo regrets sending Boris home now that he’s had a nightmare and needs the other boy desperately, hands clutching in the air for a body that isn’t there, warmth that is warmer than anything else Theo had ever felt, even warmer than the air at the museum after the explosion. Warmer than when Theo had placed his hand on his mom’s iron at the age of four to know what it would feel like, leaving him with a nasty white scar that stretches all across the palm of his left hand and sort of looks like a spiderweb in the light.

Theo sobs, suddenly. He doesn’t quite know why, the only thing he can think of at the moment is Boris, cuddling Boris, or even just talking to him. He needs the other boy right now.

He sort of wants to sneak out and go to Boris’, but what if his dad is there? What if Boris isn’t even there? He did say he was going to hang out with Kotku when he was leaving Theo’s place, so what if he’s still there? Theo has no idea where Kotku lives, and she still thinks he’s a girl so she would be very opposed to letting her boyfriend leave her to hangout with another girl. Or at least someone else she thinks is a girl.

Theo flops back on the bed, his hair haloing around his head. He stares up at the ceiling, wishing he had glow in the dark stars right about now. He makes a mental note to steal some next time he goes to the grocery store with Boris.

He lays there, and he stares until the sun comes up, thinking about so many things. About his gender, about his sexuality, because now that he’s a boy does he have to like girls? He’s not sure he could ever see a girl that way, he’s only ever liked boys. But he’s not really ready to accept that he’s technically now gay, if he only likes boys and he is a boy.

By the time his alarm rings, he’s wide awake and his head hurts from sleep deprivation and thinking.


	8. Chapter 8

Theo feels sluggish as he walks into the school building that morning. For once, Boris wasn’t on the bus, so Theo has no idea where he is because usually the two walk into school together. Kotku isn’t around either, so it’s not like he can ask her. He does see her friends after a few minutes of searching, though.

Theo walks over to the two girls, Hazel and Ivory, who are Kotku’s friends. They’re significantly nicer than Kotku, especially to him, so he’s sure they’ll have no problem telling him where Kotku and Boris are, if they know.

“Hey, Hazel, Ivory, do you two know where Boris is? Or Kotku?” He asks them once he’s close to them. They turn away from each other to face him and shake their heads. “No, Terra. Sorry about that. We haven’t seen them today either, if it makes you feel better.” Hazel explains, shrugging. She honestly looks like she feels bad about not knowing where they are. Theo’s only focused on what she called him, though. Even though it had already been for a day, he was already used to being called Theo and being deadnamed didn’t feel all that great.

“Hey, uh, actually could you call me Theo? Not Terra.” Hazel shrugs again and nods. “Sure.” She states as Ivory nods as well. “I bet the two are off fucking or something.” Ivory states with a laugh. Theo rolls his eyes, laughing a little as well despite how much the thought of the two having sex grosses him out. “Probably.” 

“Theo, lemme see your schedule.” Hazel says after a second, once everyone’s laughter has died down. Theo nods and pulls his balled up schedule out of his hoodie pocket, even though it’s way too warm for hoodies but the bandages on his chest were hurting him terribly and it was starting to become unbearable but he also can’t stand the thought of people knowing he has boobs. 

He hands the paper over to Hazel, who takes it with a smile and huddles up next to Ivory as the two scan it. “Damn, dude, why the fuck are you in three college level classes?” Ivory says once she’s scanned everything. Theo shrugs. “I’m in your math class, and we obviously share lunch, but I think you’re on your own other than that.” Hazel says, handing the paper back to him. He takes it and shoves it back in his pocket. The bell rings, but none of the three teens make a move to go to their classes.

“Wanna skip class? The girl’s bathroom in the south wing is shut down so no one’ll catch us there.” Ivory suggests, looking between the other two. They nod, allowing her to lead them to it.

Once they get there, they enter the room and lock the door despite knowing that no one’s going to go in there. It’s really just for precaution.

Hazel pulls a box out of her backpack and tosses it to Ivory, who easily catches it before tossing it on the floor in front of her and sitting down. Hazel sits next to her, and Theo across from the two girls. Ivory opens the box, allowing Theo to see the baggie of green leaves and various papers inside, along with a neon pink lighter with the initials **H.N.** written on it in fading sharpie.

“Weed?” He asks, knowing immediately what it is just from the few times he had seen Tom Cable, his old friend back in NYC, smoking it. Hazel nods, taking the baggie and placing some of the leaves on one of the papers and rolling it far faster and neater than Tom ever had. Ivory does the same before lighting it. “Ever smoked weed before, ‘Potter?’” Ivory asks, using the nickname that only Boris has ever called Theo.

Theo shakes his head. “No, I’ve smoked cigarettes but never weed.” Ivory hands her blunt over to him to let him take a hit of it. “Try it, better for you than those fucking cancer sticks.” Theo shrugs and takes the blunt, doing what he usually does with cigarettes and placing it in his mouth before breathing in. It tastes kind of like what he would expect a leaf to taste like if you were to shove one in your mouth, but he doesn’t hate it. 

“So, are you, like, a boy now?” Hazel asks Theo as he hands the blunt back to Ivory, blowing some smoke out of her mouth. Theo shrugs. “I guess. I mean, I want to be, so I kind of just… tried my best to? Y’know, I cut my hair, changed my name, all that shit.” He states, taking the blunt that Ivory rolls for him to allow him to have his own. “What’s it like?” She asks, watching as Theo takes a hit of the blunt.

“What’s what like?” He asks, trying his best to do one of those cool tricks he’s always seen people doing with smoke but failing. “I dunno, wanting to be a boy? Being a boy?” Hazel says, doing the exact trick Theo was just trying to do effortlessly. Theo shrugs. “It’s about the same, I’m just happier like this. But I just use different pronouns and a different name. And I get called a tranny by my guardians. So I guess it just has its ups and downs.” He explains before yet again trying to do the trick, trying to make those rings with the smoke as he breathes out. He fails again. 

Ivory looks at him with a smile. “Here, like this.” She says, showing him how to do it. He finally does it, sloppily, but he does it with a smile. “There ya go! Just work on it.” She says, smiling as well. 

Before Theo knows it, first period has come and gone, and the bell has rung for second period to start. He makes no move to go to his class, though. He’s having far too much fun with Hazel and Ivory right now.

Someone tries to open the door, failing due to it being locked. Everyone instantly shuts up and turns to face it, knowing they’ve probably been caught. The person knocks, violently and loudly before shouting. “Hey, dickheads, lemme in!” It’s the voice of Kotku, and she sounds irritated. Ivory sighs and stands to let her in, Boris following close behind.

“Shouldn’t you be on your fifth round by now?” Hazel asks, handing Kotku a blunt. Kotku rolls her eyes. “Shouldn’t you be sucking some homeless man’s dick right now?” She retorts, taking a hit of the blunt. Boris rolls his own and begins to smoke it as well.

“Theo, you never skip class.” He states, calling Kotku’s attention over to Theo. “Theo? Are you a tranny now?” She asks, clearly disgusted. “Don’t say that, Kotku.” Boris basically growls at her, to which she rolls her eyes. “You don’t scare me, you wouldn’t lay a fucking hand on me.” She states cockily as she takes another hit of her blunt. Boris grabs her roughly by the shoulder, her eyes widening as she stares at him. “I will kill you if you call him that again.” Boris says, voice low and deep. “Understand?” Kotku nods, slowly pulling out of the Russian boy’s grasp.

“Holy fuck, Boris. Who pissed in your cheerios?” Ivory asks with an awkward laugh, trying to break the tension that has suddenly swallowed the room, suffocating the teens. “No one, I am just opposed to being a bully.” Boris states, eyes unwavering from Kotku. 

“You’ve never had a problem before.” Hazel points out, earning a sharp glare from Boris that makes her flinch back, just a bit. 

Boris walks over and plops himself down next to Theo, and once Boris’ thumping footsteps go quiet, no one speaks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> protective boris >>>>> literally every other trope for the goldfinch


	9. Chapter 9

“There is party later. You’re gonna come, right?” Boris asks, sidling up next to Theo as the blonde walks through the front doors of the school. It’s been about two months of Theo living in Las Vegas, and by now he and Boris are practically best friends. Or they were, until Boris suddenly began to spend more and more time with Kotku. He’s stopped riding the bus because of that, since Kotku has a car so she drives him to and from school.

Theo looks at Boris, raising an eyebrow skeptically. “You go to parties?” He asks, causing Boris to hit him playfully in the shoulder. Theo laughs a bit, stepping away from Boris’ hit as fast as he can. “Yes, I’ll go.” Boris cheers silently, raising a fist in the air. “Hell yes! Your first party! You will love it.” He states excitedly, a smile spread across his face. Theo smiles back at him, finally stopping in front of his locker and unlocking it. “I’m sure I will.” He says, a complete lie. He hates parties, he tried going to a few back in New York but quickly realized he’d rather be run over by a car than go to another. But he wants to make Boris happy, so he’s gonna go to it even though he’s going to hate it. He figures it might be a bit better since he actually has nice friends that he enjoys the presence of and that don’t force him into letting them touch him in places he’d prefer not to be touched when they’re high, or even at all.

Theo slams his locker shut right as the bell for class is ringing, immediately panicking and running off to class as Boris laughs behind him, because he  _ really  _ doesn’t want to be late for class. His dad’s already pissed enough at him for becoming a boy, and for hanging out with the people he does. He’s started to warm up to Boris, but he doesn’t really like the others too much. 

☏☏☏

Music thumps through the house as Theo walks through the front door. He had to sneak out of his house to come here, meaning he got there after Boris and the others, so he’s gonna have to try his best to find them. The house smells like weed, sweat, and alcohol, and some song Theo’s heard playing on the radio a few times hurts his ears as it plays. A guy walks up to him and hands him a cup of something he called ‘pure fuel’ which Theo immediately set down on the floor once the guy had walked off because he is  _ not  _ risking that.

“Potter!” A familiar voice yells once Theo’s entered the kitchen. He turns to face the source of the voice, seeing Boris and Kotku sitting on the back porch of the house. He walks out the sliding glass door that’s open, going to join his friend outside. Some teens play beer pong out here on folding tables and push the losers into the pool. Others sit around and smoke, or shotgun beers, or makeout. It’s absolute chaos, even outside. Theo even thinks he sees someone puking in the rose bush near the side of the house.

“God, I already hate this.” He says, but Boris pats him on the shoulder. “Nonsense! I said you will enjoy it, and I will make sure of it!” Boris states. Theo sighs and sits next to the two on the stairs of the porch. Kotku doesn’t try to incorporate Theo into the conversation, and when Boris does, she’s quick to shut it down, so Theo instead just looks around.

There’s a boy across the yard, drinking from a beer bottle, that keeps looking over at Theo. He’ll look away from him for a second to talk to his friends only to look right back and practically stare into Theo’s soul. 

Eventually Boris and Kotku leave, only with Boris telling Theo he’s going to ‘get some,’ which Theo just rolls his eyes at. He’s pretty sure they’re too young to be having sex, but he lets it happen because they wouldn’t listen even if he  _ did _ say something. 

Basically as soon as they’ve walked into the house, the boy that was staring at Theo comes over. 

“Hey.” He says, sitting down in the spot Boris was just sitting in. “Hey, I saw you staring at me.” Theo states, not looking at the boy. He laughs and runs a hand through his long brown hair that reaches to just about his shoulders. His hair is greasy, and from the chin down dyed a dark blue that’s fading terribly. He smells like cigarettes and weed, like Boris. His eyes are glazed over, so Theo knows he’s drugged up. His clothes are dirty, a few holes here and there. But all in all, he’s not that shabby looking. Not better than Boris, but not terrible.

“I’m Taylor.” He says, taking a sip of his beer. “Theo.” The blonde boy responds, looking over at the brunette for a second before looking away. “You’ve got a high voice, like a chick’s.” Theo just sighs, he doesn’t respond. “Damn, did I hit a nerve?” Theo still doesn’t respond. Taylor takes another sip of his beer. “Whatever. Wanna make out?” Theo scoffs and looks over at Taylor, who looks completely serious. 

“Dude, seriously?” Taylor nods. “Yeah.” Theo rolls his eyes. “I don’t even know how old you are.” He states. “Why’s it matter? We’re just making out. I’m a minor. You’re a minor. There.” Theo scoffs again but nods. “Sure, why the hell not?” Taylor chugs the rest of his beer and then throws the beer across the lawn. A distant shattering noise sounds through the air as it lands and breaks. 

And then Taylor’s grabbing Theo’s face and locking their lips together. At first it’s weird and awkward, Theo hadn’t even kissed anyone before! But he learns quickly, luckily. 

☏☏☏

Theo is abruptly shoved away from Taylor. He looks up at the person who’s got him gripped by the shoulders, which turns out to be Boris. Amber comes over and takes Boris’ place, though, allowing Boris to walk over to Taylor and punch him in the jaw.

“You stay away from Theo. Understand?” Taylor nods quickly, holding his jaw with one hand and using the other to help him stand. “Now get the fuck away! Go!” Boris shouts, causing Taylor to run off quickly. Theo looks up at Boris.

He wants to be angry. He really does. He wants to be pissed because this is the first semi attractive person to show interest in Theo in a way that isn’t creepy. That guy was the only guy who’s ever wanted to make out with Theo and asked  _ consent _ for it. And Theo had hoped that guy would take away the weird feelings Theo has for Boris. Or he thinks he has. He doesn’t know, he’s been busy repressing them for the time being.

And even though it’s hard for Theo to be mad at Boris, he still acts like it, even though he knows Boris was just being the overprotective weirdo he is. 

Theo stands from the stairs where he was sitting and pushes past Boris and the others, through the house, and out onto the front yard. He attracts a few stares but not a lot, most of the people only glance at him before looking away when they get a glare back. Theo doesn’t stop when he gets to the front yard, though. He keeps walking until he gets to his house, where he enters angrily, slamming the door and stomping upstairs. His father and Xandra barely even glance at him as he does so.

He flops down on his bed once he’s in his room and he’s closed the door. Theo feels even hotter in his hoodie now than he has all day, so he yanks it off and throws it across the room, despite the action making his torso now naked. Completely naked. Because a bra had hurt too much to put on, and he didn’t want to layer a shirt under the hoodie and make himself hotter than he needed to be in the hoodie. He wants to make his chest flat again, but just pressing on the skin that the bandaged were wrapped around for the past few days makes him wince and pull his hand away as quickly as humanly possible. The area’s red, so he knew it would hurt, but he didn’t know it would hurt that bad. Especially since he only had the bandages on for two days.

His bedroom door begins to open, so he shoots up and clutches his knees to his chest, so no one sees his boobs. God, he hates the thought of having boobs.

“Jesus, doesn’t anyone knock?” He shouts at Xandra as she closes the door behind her, eyes covered. “Sorry.” She mutters, sounding a bit annoyed but otherwise not that upset. Xandra sits next to Theo on the bed. “Do you… want to talk about what happened at the party?” She asks awkwardly.

“How’d you know about the party?” Theo asks Xandra, turning to face her. She shrugs and sighs, looking around at the bare walls of the room. “Small town. Things get around.” She states, eyes locking onto the drawing Boris sloppily did the other day of the two while he was drunk with the words  To Theo  written in the corner. “Theo?” She asks, not looking away from the drawing. “Yeah.” 

“Well, back to why your father forced me up here.... Do you want to talk?” Theo contemplates it. On the one hand, he doesn’t, because if she was forced to come up here that means that Larry’s going to want to know everything he says. But on the other hand, the chances of his father  _ actually  _ caring about him are slim to none, so she’s probably just saying she was forced so Theo doesn’t think she actually cares about him when in reality she does.

“Sure.” He sighs out, taking a second to sort everything out before speaking. “So, at the party, Boris ditched me, probably to go have sex with his girlfriend or something. And then this guy named Taylor comes over-” He’s cut off by Xandra. “Taylor? What does he look like?” Theo thinks for a minute. “Shoulder length brown hair, hazel eyes, sharp jawline, crooked teeth. Wore a grey sweater with holes in it and ripped black jeans, a pair of Doc Martens.” He says. “God, please don’t tell me you talked to him.” Xandra mutters, so low Theo almost can’t hear it.

Theo clears his throat awkwardly. “We made out, long story short. And then Boris came back and punched him, so I left the party because I was mad at Boris. Taylor was the first guy to ever show interest in me in a non creepy way! And then Boris ruined it by punching him.” Xandra laughs dryly.

“Listen, Terr-Theo. ‘Taylor,’” She says his name with air quotes. “Is  _ actually _ a weird nineteen year old druggy that comes around the casino and touches minors in weird ways. And his real name is Hayden, but he’s known to go by the name Taylor.” Theo looks down at his hands that are clasped tightly around his knees, suddenly feeling disgusted with himself. He made out with a pedophile.

“Oh my God.” He murmurs, twisting his fingers around each other over and over again, locking them together and tying them into knots a million times. He kinda wants to puke. He wants to go back in time, so that he had never even talked to Taylor or Hayden or whatever the fuck his name is.

He wants to cry, so he does. Because that’s the only thing he wants right now that is actually possible at the moment. Xandra doesn’t seem to know what to do anymore. She’s just staring at him. 

Xandra clears her throat awkwardly and then leaves. Theo picks up his phone and goes to Kotku’s contact to text her, because Boris doesn’t have a phone so Kotku is the person Theo has to go to so he can contact Boris.

She responds quickly, telling him Boris is busy and can’t hang out with him. So he throws his phone across the room, listening to it hit the wall and probably break, but he doesn’t care. He crawls up his bed and climbs under the covers, curling up into a ball and laying there until he falls asleep, tears staining his face and half naked, only wearing a pair of jeans, and feeling absolutely miserable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> headcanon that xandra is actually an okay-ish person to theo :D


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'VE ALREADY GOT PART TWO IN THE WORKS AND I THINK YA'LL ARE GONNA LIKE ITTTTTTTTTTT

Theo skips school the next day. He stays in his room too, wearing the same jeans as last night and Boris’ cat shirt that he found balled up on his floor. It smells and needs to be washed, but he doesn’t feel like it. He just wants to wear it. So he disregards the stink of it and he wears it all day as he sits in his room, staring at the wall and thinking. He thinks of the only two boys to show interest in Theo.

The first is Taylor, no,  _ Hayden _ , and the second is a boy from New York. A boy that frequently pressured Theo into smoking with him in the school bathroom. Tom Cable.

Theo thinks about all the times Tom would pressure him to smoke and then slip a hand up his shirt. He thinks of all the names Tom called Theo behind his back, the names that people would call Theo, even to his face. He thinks of all the times Tom touched him in bad ways and told him it was okay, because being uncomfortable is normal when it’s your first time doing something.

Theo sobs as he thinks of Tom and everything Tom did. He knows now that people shouldn’t make you feel uncomfortable when you do things with them. You should be comfortable with your partner, whoever they are. He sobs and he thinks about Boris and how he’s never made Theo feel like that. He’s touched him so many times but never in uncomfortable ways. 

Theo wishes Boris were here.

☏☏☏

Boris never shows up at Theo’s that day. Theo skips the rest of the week. Boris still doesn’t show up, doesn’t even text. 

And then it’s Monday again and Theo is forced by both Xandra and Larry to shower and go back to school so they don’t get CPS called on them for withholding Theo from school.

Boris isn’t at school when Theo gets there, but Hazel is, so he walks over to her. “Where’s everyone else?” Theo asks, adjusting the shoulder of Boris’ shirt that he’s finally washed. He’s wearing bandages again to make himself flat, so he’s breathing shallowly so he doesn’t hurt himself as bad as last time. Or at least, he hopes that works. 

“Boris is with Kotku, which, who knows where, honestly. And Ivory’s sick. She went home early yesterday, texted me this morning and said it was the flu. Do you want our numbers so you can keep in contact with us better?” Theo nods. “Yeah, sure.” He says, handing his phone to Hazel to put their numbers into. Once she’s done she hands the phone back to Theo. “There you go. And you’re welcome to hang out with us whenever, ‘cuz I know Boris is busy with Kotku a lot. But he’s not your only friend. We like hanging out with you too, so don’t be a stranger, ‘kay?” Theo nods as the bell for first period rings. Hazel slams her locker shut. “Seeya, Theo.”

“Seeya.” He responds, watching as she waves and walks off before going to his own class. 

☏☏☏

Boris climbs through Theo’s window later that night, as Theo lays in bed with a book. It’s been a while since he’s read, but there’s not much else to do. Larry and Xandra are watching football downstairs on the only TV in the house, and Theo’s phone isn’t very interesting. He only has an Instagram, but he doesn’t follow many people so it’s pretty dry.

“You read?” Boris asks, plopping down on the bed next to Theo. The mattress squeaks loudly in protest. “No sex here.” Boris states, referring to the squeaking as he pats the mattress. “Yes, I read. Dumbass.” Theo mutters, closing his book and hitting Boris over the top of the head with it. Boris grimaces and rubs the top of his head. “Ow.” Theo rolls his eyes, tossing the book across the room. It hits the wall with a thump before hitting the floor with an even louder thump.

“What’re you doing here?” Boris shrugs, running the hand previously rubbing his head through his greasy curls. “Kotku broke up with me.” Theo looks over at Boris in surprise. He’s taking it  _ extremely _ well for how attached he had seemed to be to Kotku. “Seriously?” Boris nods. “You’re taking it… well.” Boris shrugs again, leaning over and searching through the nightstand for something. “Cigarettes are here, dumbass.” Theo mutters, grabbing the cigarettes from the nightstand on his side and handing them to Boris. 

“I was not that attached.” Boris explains after taking a few puffs of the cigarette. “You seemed pretty attached.” Theo states, pulling a cigarette out of the pack to smoke as well. “I like someone else.”  _ That _ catches Theo’s attention. He blows the smoke from the hit he just took out of his mouth and then turns to face Boris again. “ _ Who _ ?” 

Boris seems a bit caught off guard by the question, and he masks it quickly, but Theo still catches it. “No one important.” He states, putting the cigarette back in his mouth. “C’mon, Boris. You can’t just say that.” 

“I can. I did. No more talking.” Theo listens, even though his body is buzzing with about a million questions to ask Boris, because he can tell Boris isn’t in the mood tonight. He puts a pin in that and just makes sure to remember to ask him tomorrow, when he’s hopefully in a better mood.

Boris smokes two more cigarettes before he finally gives the pack over to Theo again. It’s clear he’s stressed about something, Theo can practically hear him thinking, but he had said not to ask and Theo doesn’t really want him to get angry. He’s never seen Boris angry other than that day in the bathroom, and he wasn’t even necessarily  _ angry _ that day. Just irritated. But he was still super scary.

There’s something telling Theo that Boris wouldn’t be mad, though. Something telling him that Boris  _ couldn’t _ get angry at Theo, no matter how hard he tried to make Boris angry. 

After some mental fighting with himself, Theo decides to just ask Boris.

“What’s wrong? I can basically hear you thinking.” Boris looks over at Theo, clearly irritated already. “I said no talking.” Boris says, still trying to sound nice and not angry in any way. Theo doesn’t take that for an answer, though. He wants to be there for his friend, and there’s this voice just nagging him, telling him to  _ ask, ask, ask  _ until he answers.

“ _ Boris.” _

_ “Theo.” _

Theo sighs, stares at Boris for a second, and then sighs again. “Boris, just talk to me.” Boris laughs and snatches the box of cigarettes from Theo again. Theo takes them back. “Nope. Not until you tell me whatever the fuck you’re hiding.”

Boris taps his fingers against his thighs anxiously, staring at Theo. “I like a boy. Now. Gimme.” Theo holds the cigarettes out of Boris’ reach. “Nope, who is it? I’ll tell you who I like.” Theo states, ignoring how hard his heart is beating right now, because he likes Boris, and telling Boris that he can know, it’s fucking scary. 

Boris seems tempted by the offer, but there’s something else on his face. Something that Theo could only describe as fear. But why would he be scared? It’s just a dumb crush, probably on some popular boy at school like that douchebag Carson Burns or something. It’s not like he likes Theo or anything.

Right?


	11. Chapter 11

“You promise you will not care?” Theo nods, heart thumping even harder. “Duh, dude. Just tell me.” Boris opens his mouth to speak, but just then someone’s knocking on the door. Theo panics and stands from the bed, waving Boris over to the closet. Once Boris is successfully in the closet, Theo opens the door to reveal Larry.

“Someone here?” Theo shakes his head, blonde hair swishing around his face as he does. “I heard talking.” Theo shrugs. “No one’s here. I don’t have friends.” Larry scoffs, leans in to look around the room. “Close the window.” He states before walking off. 

Theo closes the door and lets Boris out of the closet once he’s sure Larry isn’t going to come back, but the moment’s ruined, it’s clear. Boris bolts over to the bed, crawling under the covers and pretending to sleep. Theo closes the window and crawls into bed next to Boris after turning the light out, the excitement of possibly learning about a crush of Boris’ thrown away.

☏☏☏

Boris actually shows up to school the next day, although it takes a shit ton of convincing from Theo. But after ten minutes of Theo repeating that they needed to go to school, Boris got annoyed and listened. 

And they actually got there on time, luckily. Theo’s been told like three different times that if he’s late again he’ll get detention. That doesn’t bother him much, but he knows Larry’s gonna be pissed if he gets detention from being late to school. And when Larry’s angry it’s never a good thing.

The school day goes by slowly, as usual, with Kotku pointedly avoiding both boys. Hazel and Ivory have no problem talking to Theo during lunch until she steals the girls from the table and leads them elsewhere in the school.

Theo doesn’t let it bother him, he’s never liked Kotku either. 

Or at least, he doesn’t let it bother him until his last class of the day, math, when everyone’s staring at him and whispering. 

“What the fuck’s going on?” He asks Hazel as she sits in the seat next to him. She turns to him sadly and sighs. “Kotku spread a rumor about you and Boris, said that the reason they broke up is because he cheated on her with you and you gave him AIDS.” 

“What the fuck?” Theo asks, looking to the wall behind Hazel rather than at her. She sighs again, eyes racing around the classroom to look at all the whispering kids. “I know. Ivory and I tried to stop her, and she said she wouldn’t, but I guess she changed her mind.” She whispers, leaning away from Theo as the teacher enters the room and starts class, leaving Theo alone with his thoughts for the rest of the class.

As soon as the bell rings Theo launches out of his seat and leaves the room, packing his stuff into his backpack and getting to the bus. Because of his rush, he turns out to be one of the first onto the bus, but he just sits in his usual spot behind the bus driver’s seat and waits for Boris. 

Boris loads onto the bus a few minutes later, only glancing at Theo before walking off and sitting alone at the back of the bus. Theo’s heart drops and a lump forms in his throat as he looks back at Boris, who isn’t even looking at Theo. The blonde wants to cry, to scream or something, because it was only a rumor, why should it matter? Why should it destroy their friendship?

Maybe it’s because Boris was only pretending to be gay, or maybe he really is into boys but just not Theo, and he sees Theo as a brother or something. Yeah, totally. That’s it. Boris is just uncomfortable with people thinking the two hooked up, and once the rumor passes everything’ll be okay again. They’re just not gonna talk for a few days, a week or two, the rumor’ll pass, and everything’ll be okay. 

It’ll all be okay in a week.

☏☏☏

It isn’t okay in a week, or two, or three, or a month. Not even two months. 

The boys go six months without talking, and the rumor doesn’t die down. People corner Theo in the halls and ask if he’s going to die soon, he gets flowers from girls with wishes of good luck and continuing to live to be old. Guys go up to him asking if he knew he had AIDS when he gave them to Boris. They ask if he’d purposefully gotten AIDS to be like Freddie Mercury.

And Boris stays away. They don’t talk, don’t sit next to each other on the bus. Theo doesn’t steal the vodka from the cabinet under the sink and drink in his bedroom with Boris at night, doesn’t reach over and snatch cigarettes from Boris’ pockets as they sit in his old, drained pool. He also doesn’t go for midnight swims with the other boy at his house.

Instead, he drinks alone in his bedroom, far into the night, stumbling downstairs at seven thirty in the morning for tylenol. He gets high while he’s drunk, eyes glazed and mind distant. He swims alone in Boris’ old cat shirt and lays next to the pool in the soggy clothing, drifts off to sleep and waking up to the overwhelming smell of chlorine, covered in gritty sand.

Theo does everything he did with Boris, only now alone.

And oddly enough, it’s not as bad as he thought it would be, being alone. Maybe it’s because the constant smoking, drinking, and getting high have pretty much made him emotionally numb. He’s rarely ever sober, and when he is his mind thumps and his heart aches. It’s not just the emotional pain that keeps him constantly drunk or high, it’s also the physical pain. His chest hurts from the bandages, his legs ache from rarely moving, his fingers are sore from always holding something tightly, usually a beer bottle or cigarette, even in his sleep. 

Nothing’s good anymore, nothing’s  **_normal_ ** .

But Theo wants it all to be normal.


	12. Chapter 12

They talk again, after six months of silence, when Theo shows up on Boris’ doorstep, drunk, smelling like weed, and with a bloody nose.

“Boris, holy fuck, hey. I-I uh, didn’t.... Mean to come here.” Theo slurs, barely able to hold himself up. Boris reaches forward and grabs him, leaning Theo against himself. “What the fuck’re you doin’? Just, uh, fuckin’ lemme go home.” Boris shakes his head and shuts the front door, locking it. “No. You stay. No condition to go home alone.” He states, trying to drag Theo to the stairs as quietly as possible so as not to wake his sleeping, drunk father on the couch.

When Theo silently resists his dragging, he sighs and picks Theo up effortlessly. 

“Whoa, you’re s-so strong.” Theo exclaims, wrapping his arms tightly around Boris. The lanky boy hears his father shift around in the living room, but luckily not wake. “Shut up, you’ll get us both killed if you don’t.” Theo nods lazily against Boris’ shoulder. “Yes…. sir.” He murmurs, already half asleep. Boris carries Theo upstairs and lays him down on the bed, covering him in the comforter before sliding in beside him. Theo instantly cuddles into Boris so that the two are into a sort of spooning position. 

Boris lays there for a second before finally letting the wall that he’s so carefully built up these past six months fall, wrapping his arms around the blonde. He fights with himself for a second, and then finally says what he was going to say to Theo all those months ago, that night, before Larry came in.

“It’s you. You’re my crush.”

But Theo’s already asleep, snoring lightly as he curls into Boris even more, if that was even possible. Boris just tightens his grip around the smaller boy, and lets himself fall asleep peacefully.

☏☏☏

Theo wakes up the next morning with a pounding in his head. His glasses aren’t on his face, but he quickly finds them on the bedside table. When he sits up and looks around, he’s not in his room, but rather in Boris’. Boris is nowhere to be seen, but there’s the smell of something cooking downstairs. 

Theo goes to get off the bed, grimacing at the ache in his ribs from sleeping in the bandages he uses to bind. He takes them off, just dropping them on the floor and not even caring about them anymore. He grabs a random hoodie off the ground and tosses it on so there’s not much evidence that he has boobs, and then, ignoring the ache in his head, goes downstairs to Boris. 

He has no memory of last night after he had his third cigarette of the night. After that there’s nothing. Just darkness when he tries to think of what happened, how he ended up at Boris’. Hopefully he didn’t tell Boris about the whole having-a-crush-on-him thing. That’s all he cares about. He couldn’t care less about anything else. But Boris  _ cannot _ know about the crush.

“God, my head’s pounding.” Theo mutters as he sits at the island in the kitchen, watching Boris cook some eggs at the stove. “No pain meds. Or maybe. Check bathroom.” Theo sighs and stands up again, walking into the bathroom. There’s a bottle of Tylenol with four pills in it left. He takes all four even though you’re only supposed to take two, and tosses the empty bottle in the overflowing trashcan.

Theo takes the beer Boris hands him when he gets back to the kitchen, taking the pills and then eating the eggs despite his nausea from the hangover.

“What happened?” Boris asks, causing Theo to look over at him. “What?” He asks, confused. Nothing happens, not that he knows of at least. But then again, most of last night’s blacked out. “Last night.” Boris clarifies, and Theo shrugs. He really has no idea. “I dunno.” He mutters.

“You had bloody nose.” Theo shrugs again. Probably just Larry finding out he was drunk and punching him or something. Not the worst he’s ever done. Not a big deal.

A small memory from last night comes back, just of him walking sluggishly to Boris’ house. He was teetering all over the place, but made it to Boris’ nonetheless. Obviously.

“Probably just dad. No big deal.” Theo says when Boris doesn’t stop staring at him, even after Theo shrugged in response to his question. The two sit in silence for a moment, and Theo lets the other memories from the night wash over him. Going downstairs for more alcohol, his dad coming home early and catching him. Larry getting angry and punching him in the nose. Theo sneaking out his window and walking to Boris’. Boris taking him upstairs and putting him to bed.

Boris admitting, right as Theo was on the brink of sleep, that he had a crush on Theo. 

“You-” Theo cuts himself off as Boris turns to look at him. There’s no way it had been a joke, or even just something Boris just  _ said _ . He had thought Theo was asleep, leaving no chance of him saying that being anything other than serious. 

“You have a crush on me.” Theo breathes out, pushing his plate of eggs away. He only took two bites but he feels like he’s going to puke if he eats anymore. Some of that is because of the nausea, but some of it is anxiety. He’s having to face his crush on Boris full-on, forced to tell him now, because Boris likes him back.

Boris doesn’t speak for a few minutes. He’s stopped eating too. He’s fumbling with his fingers anxiously, seeming to be even more nervous than Theo. Which is understandable. He thought Theo was asleep, or at least wouldn’t remember the confession. But Theo was awake, and did remember it. And Boris doesn’t know he likes him back. 

“Yes.” He finally says, quietly, as though he doesn’t want Theo to hear it. He probably doesn’t. Theo looks over at him, butterflies fluttering in his stomach. He doesn’t know what to do. Kiss him? Admit his crush as well? What’s the best approach here, the one Boris’ll take best, without insisting Theo’s just doing it to make him feel better? What’s the approach that won’t bring on another six months of silence?

Theo decides to just fuck it. He leans forward and plants his lips on Boris’.

Boris kisses back quickly, grabbing Theo by the shoulders, as though he’s afraid Theo will pull away, run off. 

Theo doesn’t do that. They kiss until they have to pull away for breath. Boris is surprised, but happy. Happy he didn’t lose his best friend, happy his crush likes him back. 

Theo’s happy, too.


	13. Chapter 13

When the two go back to school on a Monday after skipping school for a week, they do it in a way no one expected. Everyone had heard of and known of their split up, and it had seemed so messy and aggressive that no one expected the two to ever speak again.

So when they walked through the front door of the school, two periods late, with their hands clasped, everyone was staring. Everyone was whispering. Hazel and Ivory were pointing and smiling as they whispered. Kotku looked like she was going to explode out of anger.

But it’s not until lunch that shit officially went down between Kotku, Theo, and Boris.

As soon as Boris and Theo walk into the lunchroom, a place they rarely ever frequented since their break up, Kotku stomps over and slaps Boris. Hard. It echoes through the lunchroom that had gone quiet the moment Boris and Theo walked through the open doors, because the students knew something was going to happen.

Boris smiles cockily at her, dropping his arm from where it was resting on Theo’s shoulder. His fist balls up, but he doesn’t lunge forward and hit her. 

“You’re a fucking asshole, Boris.” He cocks his head to the side, like a dog. “How so?” Theo can tell what he’s doing immediately. He’s killing her with kindness, and he’s acting dumb. And it seems to be working. She looks like she’s about the implode.

“You fucking break up with me, told me you never actually liked me, and then… what? You get with the guy that fucking gave you AIDS?” Boris scoffs, rolling his eyes. “Theo gave me nothing bad. You give me all bad things. You’re a whore, like your mother.” Theo winces as Kotku slaps Boris again. But he can’t say he didn’t deserve it. That really wasn’t right to say. 

“I do not want to fight, Kotku.” He states, eyes dark and warning. His sentence holds truth, but if she continues to provoke him, he won’t hesitate to throw a punch or two. It’s fair game when he says to stop and she doesn’t stop. At least, he thinks it’s fair game. Fuck everyone else’s morals. Those are his, and that’s all that matters to him. His morals.

“I don’t believe that, Boris. You called my mom a whore. Those are words that basically scream ‘Beat my ass.’” Boris shrugs. “Then punch me. But you will be the one getting beat. I do not like hitting girls, but if I must, I must.”

Kotku doesn’t say anything else, only lunges forward and pushes Boris, hard. He falls out the door of the lunchroom, onto the floor of the hallway. Boris is immediately fighting back, and all the teens in the cafeteria run out to get videos of the fight, or just see it. It’s all a blur to Theo until a teacher finally comes and breaks it up, taking the two to the principal’s office. Theo doesn’t get to see much, but from what he can see of the two, Kotku has a bloody nose, a black eye, and a split lip. All Theo can see of Boris is a cut above his eyebrow, flowing thick red blood down his face.

As soon as the crowd’s dispersed, Theo goes to the principal’s office, sitting in the hallways outside it to wait for Boris. He’s only in there for about twenty minutes before he comes out and smiles at Theo.

Theo takes his outstretched hand and stands, grabbing his face and yanking it down to his own height. Now he can finally assess the full damage, and it’s not pretty. Kotku, like any typical teenage girl, pulls hair when she fights. So because of that, Boris is missing a few small chunks of hair. But luckily his hair’s so unruly that it covers the spots pretty easily.

He’s also got that cut above his eyebrow, a cut on the bridge of his nose, and two black eyes. He had, though, managed to get out better than Kotku. She had actually ended up with a broken nose, and a shit ton of other damage.

“Holy fuck, Boris.” Theo breathes out, finally letting go of his boyfriend’s face. Boris shrugs and takes Theo’s hand, tugging the blonde out before the bell rings and people start flooding out of their classrooms. “I’ve been through worse.” Boris states, shrugging and lighting a cigarette as soon as the two are out the door of the school. Theo makes grabby hands for it, and Boris hands it over with a sigh, then lights himself another one.

“That was… a lot.” Theo murmurs, blowing smoke out of his mouth. “I guess.” Boris mutters, pushing a few stray hairs out of his face. Theo sighs, disappointed at the failed attempt at a conversation. He hates the silence, but doesn’t know what to say. Everything that comes to mind just seems… wrong. 

So, instead of speaking, he takes a few more hits of the cigarette, until it’s gone, and then drops it in the sand as the two walk to Theo’s house. Luckily, Xandra isn’t there when they get there, meaning she’s already gone off to work. She works odd hours, while Larry works more stable hours, so when Theo skips school he’s always worried about coming home and finding her. Most of the time, like today, she isn’t there. On the days she is Theo just goes off somewhere else, usually to fuck around at the nearby supermarket for a bit, maybe snagging a thing or two and shoving them in his pockets or up his sleeve.

Theo unlocks the front door and lets Boris in. Popper is there in an instant, clawing at Boris’ legs and barking loudly. He’s excited to finally see Boris after so long. Boris bends down to pet him for a moment, and then stands again, ignoring Popper’s whimpers for more attention. Boris doesn’t leave his boots at the door as he used to, he’s long ago learned that, should he need to run, it’s better to keep his shoes on until he gets to Theo’s room. 

The two go to Theo’s room, closing the door, and Boris toes his boot off before making himself at home and laying on Theo’s bed. Theo follows, walking around and finally finding a bottle of vodka he hid under a pile of clothes in the corner of the room.

He sits next to Boris, uncapping the bottle and taking a swig of the clear liquid before handing it to Boris and leaning against his boyfriend. He rests his head on Boris’ chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart, and takes the bottle when Boris hands it to him. Theo doesn’t drink anymore, though. He’s spent the past six months drinking, and he doesn’t feel like drinking today. He’s long ago learned he’s a sappy drunk, which he doesn’t really feel like making Boris deal with today.

Theo hands the bottle back to Boris. He doesn’t take it. So Theo turns a little and places the bottle on the nightstand next to the bed, knocking the roll of bandages he uses to bind off the nightstand in the process.

Boris looks over at the thump, leaning up to see what fell. When he sees it he gently pushes Theo off and leans over to grab them, holding them for a second. He just stares at the bandages for a moment before turning to Theo.  
  


“What’re these for?” His voice holds nothing more than curiosity. He just wants to know why Theo keeps bandages in his room. Theo wants to lie, but he doesn’t.

“I use them to keep my chest flat, so I look like a boy.” He says, quietly. Theo knows it isn’t good for him. If it weren’t for the red marks that always rest on his chest, it’s the constant pain deep in his bones that never seems to go away, even when he takes a few days of binding with nothing more than sports bras and hoodies.

He also knows it just from the sad look that takes over Boris’ face. 

“That…” He pauses, as though he’s searching for the proper words. “Is not good, Potter.” Is what he settles on, though it’s obvious he wishes he could word it in a different way, one that really just shows how bad it is that Theo’s doing that. 

Theo nods, taking the bandages from Boris. “I know.” His voice is soft, still quiet. Theo drops the bandages on the floor and then, without hesitation, reaches under his shirt to undo the ones he’s wearing right now. Boris looks away, even though nothing more than the bottom of Theo’s stomach is being shown. 

There’s some shuffling, then Boris sees a clump of bandages and the dark shirt Theo was wearing get tossed across the room. 

“You can look, I don’t mind.” Theo mumbles, sounding a bit unsure. Boris still doesn’t look, just because of that bit of unsureness in Theo’s voice. Until suddenly two hands are grabbing his face and turning it to face Theo.

Theo stares at his lap, fiddling with his fingers as Boris takes in his bruised chest. He reaches forward for a split second, then withdraws them when he realizes Theo might not be okay with that.

“It’s okay. You can- You can touch.” Theo says, sending a small, reassuring smile to Boris. He reaches forward, gently running his bony fingers over the bruises. Theo winces, and Boris withdraws his hand. It breaks his heart that Theo does this, and he’s been doing this for God knows how long.

After a second, Boris grabs Theo’s shoulders and turns him to face him. Theo crosses his legs in front of him, and Boris finally takes in all the damage Theo’s done to his chest. “почему бы вам сделать это с самим собой?” **(Why would you do this to yourself?)**

“I don’t understand, Boris.”

“Why? Why do this?” Boris asks, wording it as best as he can in English. Theo shrugs. “It hurts, no?” Theo shrugs again. “Then why?”

“Because boys have flat chests. They don’t have boobs, Boris.” Theo murmurs, sounding on the verge of tears. “ваш биологический состав не определяет, что вы.” **(Your biological makeup doesn't determine what you are.)** Boris responds. 

“English, Boris.”

Boris sighs, trying to think of how to word it in English. “This body… it does not-” Boris cuts himself off, frustrated. “It does not...make you, _you_.” Theo smiles as Boris continues to struggle, cutting him off. “I get what you’re saying, it’s okay.” 

The two boys are silent for a moment, staring at the bandages on the floor now. Theo’s been in those bandages for the past week, but luckily Boris doesn’t know that.

Theo draws in a long, shuddery breath.

And then, suddenly, he sobs.

His shoulders shake as Boris reaches forward for him, taking him gently and guiding them back into their previous position. Boris has never been good with feelings, emotions, comforting people when they needed it, but fuck, he can’t handle just seeing Theo cry and not even _trying_ to do anything. 

Theo cries for a few minutes into Boris’ snowboarding shirt, the shirt he was wearing the day the two met, as Boris cards his fingers through his sandy blonde hair, taking note that it could use a trim. Eventually his sobs quiet down into small sounds, and then he’s silent, except for the occasional sniffle. He goes to get up, and Boris knows he’s embarrassed because even though he’s cried in front of Boris before, he’s never full on broken down. But Boris holds him down firmly. It’s firm enough to ground and reassure Theo that it’s okay, but still weak enough that if Theo _really_ wants to get up, he can.

Theo stays down, head staying against Boris’ chest. The two are still silent for a second, and then finally Theo speaks.

“I just wanna be **_normal_ **, Boris.” Theo states, voice thick from crying. Boris looks down at the blonde as he cards his fingers through his hair. “What you mean ‘normal?’ There is no ‘normal.’” Theo shakes his head against Boris’ chest. “Straight, cisgender people are normal, they’re the default.” Theo states. Boris gently takes Theo’s head in his hands, moving it so Theo can face him. “There is no normal. Just because you are not what people say is ‘default,’ does not mean you are not normal.”

Theo sniffles, reaching up to rub at one of his red eyes under his glasses. Boris pulls the glasses away, placing them on the bed next to him, and then pulls Theo’s hand from his eye. The skin surrounding his eye is already significantly more red than before he rubbed at it. Boris is sure it hurts. 

“You do not need to be normal. I am not normal. But you still like me, yes?” Theo nods, wide-eyed. “Whether you are normal, or not normal, I still like you.” Boris reassures, a bit awkwardly, but reassures nonetheless. Boris smiles at Theo, and Theo smiles back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> headcanon that boris is actually really smart and good at words when he's speaking in russian


	14. Chapter 14

Theo is woken up the following morning by the front door slamming shut downstairs. He groggily opens his eyes, smiling at the feeling of Boris’ arms holding him close. His head is resting on Boris’ chest, just like how the two fell asleep last night.

Popper barks loudly downstairs, but then there’s a thump, followed by whimpering. And then there’s the sound of Popper running up the stairs and clawing at Theo’s bedroom door.

Despite how much Theo doesn’t want to get up, he does, slowly so as not to wake up Boris. He opens the bedroom door, letting Popper in, and then closes it quietly. Popper runs straight to the bed, nestling in next to Boris. 

Theo walks back over to the bed, laying down and getting back into Boris’ hold. 

The two boys lay there for a bit longer until finally Boris shifts a bit, and when Theo looks up, he sees he’s awake. Boris smiles down at Theo, and Theo smiles back. 

They don’t lay there for much longer, only about five more minutes before finally Boris is getting off the bed and putting his boots back on. Theo follows him, grabbing his sneakers and putting them on. Boris leads him to the little, run-down playground that’s at most maybe five minutes away from Theo’s house.

They go there often, though not usually as soon as they wake up. They sit there for the day, just fucking around on the swings. Having contests of who can swing the highest, who can jump off the swing the farthest, that type of shit. 

Towards the end of the day, as the sun’s setting, the two boys are just sitting on the swings and talking a little bit. 

Then, suddenly, Boris reaches down and pulls something out of his pocket.

“What is that?” Theo asks as Boris hands a small square with a picture of a smiley face on it to him. He takes it, placing it in the palm of his hand as he watches Boris place his own square in his mouth. “Good stuff.” Is all Boris responds with before he begins swinging again. Theo stares down at the square in his hand skeptically for a moment, then does what he saw Boris do, place it on his tongue, and swing as well.

It wasn’t long before the world was a sort of black and white and the sand was blowing around in swirls. Boris and Theo had stopped swinging when the drug had started to kick in, now sitting on the swings and staring as the sand swirls around. They’re laughing, even though it’s really not that funny, but everything seems ten times funnier right now because of those little squares.

Eventually, though, the sand stops swirling and the two are just stuck in a world of black and white. Theo sighs, standing from the swing and kicking around in the sand the playground is submerged with.

“I wish we had gotten something a bit happier. Or is it like this every time?” He asks Boris, who shrugs. “I have never done it before today. I wish it was happier, too.” He states, getting off the swing and joining Theo in the sand. 

They kick it around for a bit before finally deciding to get back to Theo’s place. But as soon as they’re back, the two realized they probably should have just stayed at the playground. It’s a sob fest there, filled with a ton of women in the living room, smoking and drinking. 

Xandra looks up as the front door closes, watching the boys as they walk toward the stairs. 

“Theo.” He turns, caught red handed. But in his defense, he hadn’t thought she could see him. “Yeah?” He asks, just wanting to go upstairs and probably make out with Boris or something. “Your father’s dead, Theo.” He furrows his brow, shaking his head. “No, I just saw him- th-this morning.” That’s a lie, but he had at least  _ heard _ his father this morning, which he thinks is close enough to seeing him.

“It happened a few hours ago, Theo. He was trying to leave and got in an-in an accident.” She starts to cry, and Theo suddenly feels very awkward and out of place. He wants to cry, he does, but his father was just so  _ mean _ , and Theo can’t really feel anything right now. 

“Can’t you at least  _ pretend _ you miss him?” Xandra shouts at him suddenly as he sits next to Boris on the stairs. He just stares at her, and the women, most likely her friends, around her, give him angry and disappointed glares.

Him and Boris stand there for a bit longer, sobering up, but finally go upstairs after Boris tries to take a woman’s wine because he didn’t realize he could see her. Once they go upstairs, they sit on Theo’s bed and drink the vodka on his nightstand, smoking a half a pack of cigarettes before finally the last of the women leave and Theo goes downstairs to check on Xandra.

She’s asleep, but luckily Boris wakes her up and helps her to her bedroom. And then that’s when the reality of things start to set in for Theo.

He rushes to his room, grabbing the duffle bag he had coming here, and begins packing. He packs clothes, his binding bandages, cigarettes, and then he goes to Xandra’s room and steals her more expensive looking jewelry and what cash he can find.

“Theo, what are you doing?” Boris asks as Theo grabs Popper and rushes down the stairs, calling a cab to come pick him up. Once he’s off the phone he pockets it and turns to Boris. “I can’t stay, Boris. Dad is gone now, which means that the foster people are gonna come for me. Xandra isn’t going to want to keep me, Boris.” Theo states, voice shaky as he tries to fight off tears. He doesn’t want to leave Boris, but it’s his only option.

Boris shakes his head as Theo opens the front door and goes out to the curb, waiting by the road for the guy picking him up. “No, you do not have to leave.” Boris wants to tell him to come stay with him, but that wouldn’t end well. His father would find out, and probably kill Theo, then Boris. 

“Boris, I do. I need to leave. But you can come with me. You  _ will  _ come with me, right?” Boris doesn’t nod, he just crosses his arms and stares at Theo as the wind blows their hair around. “ _ Boris _ .” He continues to just stare. “We can go by your house and you can pack a bag and we can run away together!” Theo exclaims, words rushing out of him as a car comes around the corner. “Please, Boris?” 

Boris sputters, trying to find something to stay. “Theo, stay. Just-Just for another day. We go tomorrow.” Theo shakes his head. “I need to go tonight, Boris.” He states. Boris just stares at Theo for a minute, hoping that he’ll change his mind. He doesn’t, and Boris shakes his head. Boris lunges forward, grabbing Theo’s head in his hands and kissing him one last time, then he runs off.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [In The Aeroplane Over the Sea](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29865447) by [dinkydykeviking](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dinkydykeviking/pseuds/dinkydykeviking)




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